5 posts tagged “depressed”

I'm having the worst afternoon - after having a very good morning.

I didn't post about this, but yesterday morning my manager was spoken to by one of the managers in our billing department because apparently I made one of the billing reps upset and she no longer felt like she could call me if she needed help. I don't really want to go into the detail as I'm very tired and down right now, but needless to say this is terrible timing because tomorrow in my one year review.

My manager indicated this would be going on my review and they are going to asking me to take a Customer Service training course. I've found one and I've pretty much been signed up. Even the director of my department knows I'm having issues.

I'm just so upset by this whole situation. What happened between me and that one billing rep was so petty that I feel this is not fair in the least. This is effecting my ability to get a raise. This is going in my permanent record. This is causing me to reevaluate whether or not I want to stay in this department - in this company. I love my job, but that love is because of the reliability and and pay of it - not the job in itself. This is not the first time I've felt like this company has over-exaggerated a situation to the point that it effects me as a worker and as an employee.

I know that I am sensitive, but why do I always get the short end of the stick? Does it not matter that I'm offended and hurt by comments but others are? I've never been treated properly by any of the billing reps but I never went and tattled to my manager about them.

I'm just really upset. I've work so hard, I believe, for an entire year - and I have one bad day and it's as if my one year has been worth nothing. How is that fair?

I might be over-reacting about the effect of this on my review. All I know is that my manager now believes that I can't "keep my cool" and I need training. I feel the worst part is that I'm no longer allow to have any kind of human response or else that'll be considered "loosing my cool".

I feel strange today. I really couldn’t explain it…just strange. I feel like my mind is running over every thought at least a hundred times when one is certainly enough. Today is defiantly not a day for concentrating on a computer, trying to code out problems. Today is a day for lounging on one’s bed and sleeping until one can’t sleep anymore.

I think is has a lot to do with a book I’m reading called “The Lake of Dead Languages”. It’s about a woman who attends a private high school and after tragic events, graduates and then returns nearly twenty years later to be a teacher. At first it was very intriguing, the author has an interesting sense of description and yet at points her descriptions are consuming and make the reader feel like their drowning in the sense of being told but not seeing.

It was intriguing until she began to talk about what happened while she went to the private school twenty years back, and she began to explain about her two room mates. It became extremely unintriguing, almost frustrating to me because I felt like I had lived through an experience similar to the main character’s before. She speaks of having two room mates, and being close friends with one of them long before the third joined the team. Then she begins to tell this story of lies and betrayal and deceit and how her once close friend was now trading her company for both the other room mate and a boy. Despite the fact that it’s a pretty common scenario I still had problems reading it because I knew what it felt like to be the odd one out, to one day see something between your two friends that proved they were in fact leaving you out of much more than a homework study.

Perhaps the reason I feel so strange is because I simply feel sad. This book has dredged up many high school memories I had gladly stuffed away and soaked with gas with the intention of burning them to the ground, if only I could.

It’s also made me realize the kind of person I am.
>I don’t like being left out of the loop.
>I don’t like being lied to.
>I don’t like people who assume they know how I’d react and so therefore keep secrets from me.
>I don’t like hypocrites, people who say one thing and then do another.

I can’t imagine too many people who can refrain from doing all these things, and so I suppose I should just count my blessings with the couple of close friends I have and leave it at that. I mean I’m not perfect. I don’t think I leave my friends out of the loop, but then again the only friend I talk to on a pretty regular basis is Jane – and she usually starts the loop with me. I usually don’t lie – I like to see people’s reaction to the truth – plus if I lie once I’ll have to lie twice. I don’t assume anything, and I think that’s what kept me from committing most of the acts on my list. I mean a good example is that if I kept Jane out of the loop, I’d then have to lie about the loop, and then keep the loop a secret and then I’d be a hypocrite.

I should just go home and finish the book tonight – then I’d be rid of it and all the memories it resurfaced.

One thing I forgot to explain is why the LOTR: TTT depressed me so much.

As I was watching the behind the scenes stories I was just so...yes - I'll say it - JEALOUS of how much they had they opportunity to experience and most of them aren't even very old yet. And yes, I know, that kind of opportunity is SO rare...but I STILL WANT IT! I want to be in a place in my life where I'm surrounded by friends and by the kind of life and people I WANT TO BE SURROUNDED BY!

*breathing heavily from airy rant*...That's all I want.

It all began yesterday morning when I told my sister I had to clean up and do some laundry and she told me to watch the Extended LOTR: TTT because there was some pretty interesting as well as funny quibs that the cast gave away and I wouldn’t need to watch it I could just listen as I cleaned up. Needless to say I couldn’t find the damn DVD - all I could find was the special features DVD as well as the regular LOTR: TTT. So I spent most the day watching those and by the end of the day I was EXTREMELY depressed.

I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. Yes. It’s true.

I am in such a slump – or better yet a rut – that I feel I will be destined to work behind a desk for the rest of my life AND I DON’T WANT THAT! I want to get out of California for one thing. I detest California. I hate that I have to know Spanish in order to use the phone book and I hate the weather and I hate all the damned money they take from my pay check for things I don’t really think I should be paying for.

Second of all I hate my job. I don’t hate what I do I just hate that I have to do it and I can’t do what I really want to do and that is sit in front of my computer all day and write until I have finished my book or that little vein on the side of my head has burst.

Third I hate that the extent of any kind of guest list of my mine would consist of Jane. Yep – Jane. I mean I could invite others, but who else would come? All the boys are too busy with D&D and everyone else is too busy with work or school.

I feel like I’m wasting my life away and all I can do is try and make some money as fast as I can because soon I’ll be so old I wont even be able to experience all of the things I should be experiencing now, and then I’ll just be broke!

So what’s a person to do? I would love suggestions.

As some may have noticed, I don't have much to say this week. It's a short week for me at work (which is where I have access to my computer) so it's also going to be a short week for the journal.

I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, because I know mine's going to blow. Don't drink too much, don't eat your weight in Turkey and don't swallow any of the Christmas tree decorations because those hurt on the way back out.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!