2 posts tagged “jimmy fallon”

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JimmyFallon

"There's a psycho in your rearview mirror, it's me!" Road Rage, by Jimmy Fallon

I've been wondering if I wanted to write about this or not - because I feel I'll be judged as the bad guy or everyone will comment "you got what you deserved!" - but I'm bored so I'm going to anyhow.

Christmas Eve Paul & I are driving home from my parents house - I'm driving and it's about 10:30pm. Despite the hour, the freeway was busy, but that wasn't very surprising to me because I figured there were a lot of people trying to get home - or where ever they needed to be - for Christmas day. I was driving in the slow lane, keeping it at about 70 mph, which was the speed limit for the freeway. I'm a strong believer that if you're going to go the speed limit or anything underneath it - you belong in the slow lane - especially in Southern California. Some of you out there may not like it - but in most places in Southern California - that's how we roll. I'm leaving a decent amount of room between me and the car in front of me because I'm tired and I'm not rushing to get anywhere. After while I get annoyed with this large vehicle behind me because they are right on my tail to the point where I can hardly see their lights in my rearview mirror. I'm nervous - I tap my brakes twice to indicate they are making me nervous but they don't back off. Traffic starts to slow and I use that as an opportunity to hit my brakes in the hopes that they'll realize how close they are and back off. I'm guessing I really startled them or something because they flashed me.

Oooh. I hate it when people flash me. I hate it because I feel like they're telling me how to drive and anyone who knows me knows that I hate it when people tell me how to drive. I was also upset because I felt they were the ones in the wrong. They were following too close and it only takes a second for an accident to happen. I learned this within three months of getting my drivers license and rear-ending a car on the freeway - now I always leave a safe amount of room. So, in retaliation of them flashing me (and only getting closer I might add), I hit my brakes again. The next part happens pretty fast. They start to pull out from behind me and I'm glad. I'm thinking, "Go past me! I'm in the frackin' slow lane doing the speed limit and there are two other lanes of people who's ass you could be riding instead of mine." Their back end gets to about my front tire (at this point I notice they are driving a large white SUV - similar if not exact to a Ford Explorer) and they sudden start to cut over without having passed me completely. Its at this point that I realize they are trying to push me off the side of  the freeway. I slow drastically and do hit the emergency lane slightly before they finally pass me.

At this point we happen upon a very deserted freeway exit and they start weaving across the lane in front of me and so I take the exit in a panic in the hopes of getting away from them. But they cut off in front of me and take the exit too, pulling up to the stop sign into the right shoulder and stop. I stop a ways from them - still in the middle of the single exit lane - waiting for them to pull past the stop sign and go on their probably-drunk-Merry-Christmas-way. They don't keep going though and then suddenly the driver opens his door and gets out. It's a man - average height, white, in a short sleeved button up shirt. He's waving and shouting and starts stalking towards my car. I'm nervous of him getting near my car - I have flashes of him breaking my window or denting my door or something. With him still quite a ways away (where I want him to stay), I put my car in gear and in a quick action rush at him and stop quickly so I don't get close to him. He gets the hint and stops walking towards my car. Then, to make matters more fun, his passenger gets out of the car. She's tall and has high-heeled boots on with a skimpy top with a sparkley belt. She's shouting for me to get out of the car and fight. Yeah, like that's going to happen. They get back into their SUV - but stay where they are. I notice in my rearview mirror that someone is coming off onto the exit from the freeway - and since I'm in the middle of the lane and not wanting to go past the SUV - I put on my emergency lights and back up into the shoulder. The car goes around me and gets behind the SUV with is right turn signal on. When he realizes that the SUV isn't leaving he goes around.

It was then that I asked for Paul's phone and I dial 911. I figure, if they're not going to leave, I'm not going to wait for them to get out of their SUV again. 911 rings for awhile and then states that the circuit is busy. Great. Then I try and call my dad because my parents live about five minutes away - they don't pick up. I'm calling back 911 again when I see the SUV's reverse lights come on and they start backing up towards me. One handed - because I'm trying to hold the phone, I back up more and more - almost to the freeway behind me. Finally they stop - and I stop too - and it was at this time that 911 picked up and I start explaining what's going on. Mid-explanation, the SUV pulls forward slowly, takes a right, and slows down to a stop. They're waiting for me, I could feel it. Waiting to see me pull forward and get back onto the freeway. I'm not stupid. I'm still talking to the cops - who eventually transfer me to the Highway Patrol - when the SUV pulls into the gas station on the corner. I see them circling the parking lot and waiting so I don't move. It takes awhile on the phone and the whole time I'm kicking myself for not having taken down the license plate numbers while they were in front of me.

After awhile I notice the SUV slink onto the freeway and I tell the Highway Patrol that. He asks if I want to wait for someone to get there and I ask why, what would someone do? Basically nothing because I didn't have a license number and only a vague description of the vehicle. So I say I don't want to wait. He warns me to stay in public areas, don't drive directly home if I think they're following me, and stay safe. I turn off my emergency lights, get back on the freeway and head home without any other issues.

On the way home Paul and I are talking about what we should have done differently in that situation and Paul says he's glad he didn't have to get out of the car. I told him he is never supposed to get out of the car. People who get out of the car get shot. We start joking around about a line out of Death Proof where the girls are arguing between themselves because one of them carries a gun. The one who carries the gun justifies it because if she tries to do laundry at midnight in her building, she'll get raped. One girl suggest she uses pepper spray instead - because people who carry guns get shot. The one with the gun says something to the effect of, "He tried to rape me! I don't want to give him a skin rash, I want to shut him down!"

I, strangely, am of the same opinion.